Heaven’s Blog

To say it is an honor to sit here and write this doesn’t fully describe all my reasons as to why. But for starters I am honored to have participated in KCSARC’s parenting program as it has helped me learn and grow into the parent I am today. It wasn’t easy to be a sudden overnight single parent of four children, two who were sexually assaulted by their father. I was scared, unsure of the outcome, didn’t know what to expect, nor had full confidence in the Washington State laws that what needed to be done would actually be accomplished. Yet overtime I was able to cross things off my list of such concerns which were only possible due to me having an advocate/therapist explaining in depth, listening with an open ear, and reassuring me that I can do whatever it is I need to do for my children and then some.

To say I was scared as my life as I knew it was shaken like an earthquake, as the floor dropped out from under me, leaving me numb and shocked is an understatement. I felt alone and unsure how I was going to financially make it yet held onto hope as I took one day at a time, sometimes even five minutes at a time like a warrior fighting the longest, largest fight of my life. This changed when I sat in the chair at KCSARC and was spoken to with respect and shown a diagram of what domestic violence was. It was as if a light was turned on and I understood then that not only were my children sexually abused but I was in a toxic marriage and domestically abused. The fear was lifted as I gained confidence within myself knowing that the power was no longer in the abuser, and I acted immediately to find ways to keep him behind bars as long as possible. With each step taken, I gained more and more clarity, as well as worn out bootstraps, but every mile, every mountain, and every moment of the journey was worth it.

Knowing Washington State’s laws are very loose and often favor the perpetrator rather than the victims of their crimes, having an advocate there by my side who was available in attending court hearings if needed was extremely helpful and something I definitely utilized. In between hearings, I was being educated and filled up with knowledge on how to help my children manage this new life, along with the damage of a wrecking yard. I wasn’t sure what the outcome would be except all I could expect was a short sentence here in Washington, which was unacceptable in my eyes, as well as many others. But I learned that if a crime began in a different state, as did in the case of my oldest daughter, I could report that crime in that state/county as well. With my oldest daughter attending KCSARC and getting the coping skills she needed, through therapy and advocacy, we were all in tune and on the same page. I felt very confident we were on the right path and justice would be properly served in due time.

During this time, I didn’t know what to expect emotionally, mentally, and physically for my children. However, being in the parenting program provided me with tools to help them with their daily challenges and to anticipate their future needs as they grew. At the time, I had a 16-year-old, 10-year-old, 8-year-old, and a 4-year-old, so with this said I was embarking on the biggest challenge of all times. They not only had to come to terms with our new world, but also with the hurt, disappointment, and abuse which over time has come to the surface. I don’t know where my children and I would be if I hadn’t been connected to KCSARC at the time we were. Nor would I have gained the know-how on what to expect as each child of mine grew into adolescence. The ups and downs, the insides and outs of each stage are so drastically different as they change and age overtime. As soon as you think one is okay, the other is struggling, and as soon as you get that one balanced or settled, another is having a moment what needs addressing. It has been nonstop for 10 years now and they’ve moved into relationships and changed in many ways. Where innocence was lost a new self and confidence has been found.

But to say it’s been easy would be untruthful. It’s hard. It has had many moments of frustration, sadness, heartache, and anger but looking back to today we have more positives. We have overcome so much, and my children are stronger, in part because of a much longer sentence in the state of Georgia that will continue to be served for another 30 years.

Looking back from the arrest of 2014, to today, we have turned our dust into diamonds no matter how you look at it. There have been some major struggles emotionally, mentally, and physically for my children that as a parent is so very hard to see. However, the time spent discussing, learning, growing, gaining knowledge and understanding of how to help my children then and into the future has been a game changer. I now know what to look for so that when a challenging day comes, I know exactly what is needed, how to go about the situation, and get it addressed with the proper support.

Being a parent of children who have been sexually abused isn’t easy to handle, but with each step and the support from KCSARC, we have conquered so much and will continue to as life continues to move forward despite any challenges that lie ahead. I have plenty of bootstraps in my back pocket now, with new ones to be worn as I see fit, but we are no longer afraid, no longer unsure, no longer lacking confidence. We have made change within the legislature raising awareness as part of KCSARC’s Empowered Voices program over the past 10 years and transforming protection orders and no contact orders. Our war will never be over, but we win with each new day. My children are amazing and strong survivors, and I will gladly be there to help others any time, any day, in any way, shape, or form.

KCSARC’s 24-hour Resource Line is available 24/7 with trained advocates ready to listen and provide free, confidential support and information to help you determine next steps. Whenever you’re ready, call 1.888.998.6423.