Andy’s Blog

About once a week, I have a check-in with my middle-school aged son where we discuss how things are going and what is on our minds. We have these discussions in various ways, from sharing some dumplings to going golfing. These chances to have a bit of goofiness and fun are great ways for us to connect and have thoughtful discussions as well. Our topics range from future goals, to what he is learning in school, and so much more. Lately, though, more in-depth conversations have come up and it’s taken me aback to realize that he is facing the real world quicker than we could imagine. What originally started as talks about what video game character is the tallest and what new food we are going to try has drastically changed. That’s okay.

Recently, our talks got a bit more serious in nature. Over the course of a trip to the Museum of Flight, he shared the fact that some of the boys in his classes talk about a game in which they dare each other to quickly touch others in inappropriate ways and then run away. This concerned him even more when he noticed that it was mostly the boys participating in this game as he shared that it made him feel like an outcast for not wanting to play. After the normal dad discussion reminding him what consent was, criminal actions, would you want this done to you, and more, he asked me: “Why is it all the boys that are doing this?”

“Is it all the boys?” I asked him. Although he felt that way, I reminded him that although boys were the ones doing this, the overwhelming majority of the guys in his life would never do this. “Would any of the boys in your Taekwondo class do this? Your uncles or me? Your grandfather? Your good friends?” “No Dad, they wouldn’t.” We stopped to ponder the amazing sight of a Spitfire (a plane used in World War 2 and his favorite plane to see at the museum) when he turned back to me and said: “They know better.”

He isn’t afraid to ask difficult questions. A previous check-in time had him ask about why I have a list of self-care activities and why I need those activities. I’ve given age-appropriate details when I talked to him in the past about what happened to me as a child and my sexual assault recovery (my father did bad things, I did not consent, and I need therapy to get help. He isn’t ready to know details at his age). I shared with him that I have this list to keep my brain healthy and I shared with him my list. “Go on a walk. Go golfing. Read a new book. Put headphones on and listen to music.” We’ve talked about healthy ways to do self-care, and now he laughs when he sees me in the office with some electronic taken apart and my toolbox out as he knows I’m in my happy place.

“When I went through my major therapy work, one of the best pieces of advice I was given was to make this list.” He then asked: “Did you go to therapy?” I shared that I did, and that therapy is a powerful and needed tool. “What happened to me happened to quite a few people, including boys and men.” I told him that it’s quite important to know that there’s a stigma about men not getting the help they needed, including from my own family members. Once I spoke about taking care of our mental health in the same way that a mechanic takes care of a car or a doctor takes care of physical health, I could see in his eyes that mental health is just another part of regular life.

Men, I implore you to heed these words that I wish I was told earlier: it is okay to get help. As my amazing wife reminded me when I needed an extra kick to go to therapy: “What do flight attendants say before you take off? Make sure to put on your own oxygen mask before you help others.” You can’t be the best help to others if you don’t help yourself too. Encourage others to get help too and remind them that men can also be victims of sexual assault. With support, such as therapy, recovery is possible. You aren’t alone, and you can inspire other men to also seek help. You can show that they are not alone in their path. You can show them that there is hope.

As a dad, I hope that my son’s generation can do even better encouraging others. We’ll continue to have these talks as long as he wants to. I believe I’m prepared for most questions he will ask. “How do you know if they are the one?” Easy. “How do I ask them out?” Got it. “How do I unclog a bathtub drain?” That’s more of a hands-on lesson, but I got it. “How do employment laws change based upon the amount of people employed?”
“Mom has the HR degree. You need to go ask her.”

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