Lorna’s Blog

I’m old enough to remember the Space Needle when it was new. Most of my memories are of my family, playing like other kids, and looking at the lights of Seattle from my bedroom window. However, interspersed with those memories are ones of sexual abuse by my two brothers and my father.

My earliest memories of abuse, I was still in diapers, yet I don’t know if that is when it began. I remember thinking that dark, bad things had happened before.

When I was young, I turned to the only person I thought would help, my mother. She didn’t help me. She said I was disgusting for talking that way and punished me for lying. I couldn’t understand that, and I pushed those memories to the corners of my mind, and I learned to keep my mouth shut.

While I was growing up nobody talked about abuse of children. When they talked about assault, it was whispered, and most often, it was about some girl who must have been in some guy’s car she shouldn’t have been in, or she wore the wrong clothes, or she wanted it to happen and was lying. It had to be her fault. I listened, and I kept my mouth shut, believing no one would listen to me, or that I would be blamed.
My abuse went on until I was a teenager. I then met the young man that I eventually married. I told my husband about the abuse, and he was supportive. Once I was away from my family, I felt like I had escaped, and I just wanted to put it all behind me.

My life was good. We had three wonderful children, a beautiful home, and I had a successful job. Yet memories of abuse haunted me. I didn’t trust people. I was often in a fog of gloom, stressed, bitter, and angry. I had trouble sleeping. I had trouble concentrating. I didn’t realize these were all effects of the abuse. After all, I had put it behind me.

Throughout the years, I had heart flutters. I kept getting tested for heart problems, yet none were found. Then, the flutters grew to where they shook my entire body. I thought I was having heart attacks. My doctor diagnosed me with anxiety. At first, I didn’t believe it. Not me. I didn’t worry about things that might happen that wouldn’t happen. Or did I?

I realized then that I needed help, and I turned to KCSARC.

Through KCSARC’s program, I learned I had PTSD. I learned what PTSD is and how it had affected me for so many years in ways I had never dreamed of. I realized I was constantly afraid. I was afraid of people. I was afraid of what was going to happen day-to-day, month-to-month, year-to-year. I had developed many habits to protect myself. Waking up several times a night to see if someone was in my room, listening to every sound in the house until I went to sleep, and when my husband was away, booby-trapping my home with things that would make noise if someone were trying to enter, were all ways I was protecting myself out of fear.

With my counselor’s help, I learned how to overcome the fear. I learned how to turn the gloom and bitterness into positive thinking, and how to deal with the memories that would emerge from the dark recesses of my mind in a healthy way. With my counselor’s help, I’ve been able to end those habits I used to protect myself. I’m less stressed, and I have a better outlook on life, and I sleep better.

Times have changed, and KCSARC has helped that change by expanding awareness, providing services, and letting survivors know there is a place where they will be heard and believed.

I thought I was doing fine on my own, yet help was a phone call away, and it was well worth making that call. I waited so many years to reach out. If you, or someone you know, need that help, please do not spend a lifetime waiting for things to get better. Make them better, for yourself, and the ones you love. Call KCSARC.

KCSARC’s 24-hour Resource Line is available 24/7 with trained advocates ready to listen and provide free, confidential support and information to help you determine next steps. Whenever you’re ready, call 1.888.998.6423.